|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| "I move in I move out"
Right now I am reassessing the way I deal with death. If you know me, I deal with it differently from your normal person. Well if you know me you know I am far stranger than a normal person. It tends not to phase me in a sad way, instead I do to a small point find myself happy for that person, and also feel myself absorbing their spirit, everything they meant to be taken inside of me and done with. From then on out (about 5 min after I hear of the death) it is all formalities, telling those who need to know, and doing whatever people ask.
I was wondering, just momentarily why I do this, and I was reminded of my first funeral, which according to my mother was just a dream. Strangely enough it was very vivid and detailed for a dream. I remember an entire church setting, flowers, the open casket the people telling stories of the person and everything, even the line of people filing past the casket. I had this dream sometime between age 4 and 7, and is probably one of the 5 oldest dreams I remember, and if you know the amount of dreams I can recall then you know that being in the 5 oldest is pretty significant.
Anyhow I see it as either since I was told that this funeral in my 'dream' was not real that for some reason whenever someone dies now my subconscious just does not conceive it as being true, and do not understand it in any way shape or form, or I am really that emotionally dead and desensitized that it simply does not affect me.
I know this is not a nice thing to say and I do not with death upon anyone I know; but maybe I need someone to die who is really close to me, for me to finally find a reason to feel the same grief that everyone else seems to express.
| | |
| "uh oh! I think you have heart cancer, but that's okay, you can have mine instead"
I am going AWOL until Friday evening where I will then eat pizza and fondue shortly before watching some weird play at Pomona college. I will then attend Pauline's debut on the Saturday (without a +1 >:[ ), to be followed up with the correct response of disappearing again until about thanksgiving. Sounds about right doesn't it?
Btw have you ever been voluntarily whored? (and didn't know it)
| | |
| Earlier I was thinking about why people tell other people "its only because I care about you" and stuff along those lines (generally as a justification).
I know this is going to make sound like a grouch, but this is how it goes with me:
someone says: "Are you feeling alright" (with not general reasoning or justification)
I say: "I'm fine" (in a 'uh i dont know why you are asking that' tone)
they say: "I'm only asking because I care about you"
I generally don't say anything or maybe an 'ok'
But what i want to say is : "And I'm on responding to be polite".
Yes. I'm not feeling the love when people ask that unless I know there is a reason for them asking, and even so, if they cannot point out the actual reason (of course i would know what it is), then I continue to dislike it. It is almost as if I get the feeling they are asking just because they really have no idea how to read me or maybe I'm just that hard to read, however of course that means i'm meant to be that way.
Anyhow it got me wondering on when people do and don't care about when a person asks such questions. I mean it seems to be entirely on the person being asked, there is not general, 'aw they care about me', you only ever get that when you want that person to care about you, and if you don't the you brush it off or discard it.
I mean I really want to meet someone whom, no matter who it is, asks them "are you feeling alright"(out of "care") and they feel a whole hearted gratitude for it.
| | |
| ... So this window has been sitting open waiting for me to write in it for a few days now.
And well the red nose is still on.
I am currently removing a friend of mine from my life, not out of angst, but to prove a point to her. It is also a prime example of what happens when you say 'try me'.... to me... because I will try you and I will make you fall ... (and of course pick you back up afterward  )
I have most definitely written about this before, but my dreams seem to be doing quite a good job of their instant replays lately. Going through entire sequences and then starting them all from the beginning and doing them slightly differently. I suppose this is in correlation to how the human mind uses dreams to analyze situations and experiences and teach us how to go about it more effectively next time. I'm sure you have all had those dreams where it is something from your day repeated over and over and over again sometimes really fast sometimes slow, and usually during a nap. Well I am thinking it is a bit like that, except in this case my mind is doing it for my dreams, which I am not sure if it is bad or good. I suppose it either means there is something very important in my dreams that relates to real life or that my brains is a malfunctioning pile of mush, which is more likely the case  .
In other news:
it is so foggy outside that water droplets have formed on my fly-screen. & I love having my window open when it is foggy because snuggling in bed feels so much nicer, and the cold air feels heavier and softer.
| | |
| "They treat me like I got a red nose" _t9
I love/hate having a story that part of me will not tell, yet the other part desires to release. Perhaps through the miracles of the Freudian slip it will one day be told, but for the moment...
Throughout my split into Adam and Tq. M. Lazarus (as my fake alter-ego), I've noticed a more defined line between decisions I make. There is no longer that battling of one person against themselves, but two people against each other. Now I know that sounds silly as both are inside me, but it is all about the end result.
With a single person arguing with themselves no matter what you decide you are still contradicting yourself, you are eternally conflicted. Where as with two different, you have a clear winner with one set of ideals different from the other. You as a whole are always right and the winning side does not care for the loser.
The funniest thing about this all is that it is almost psychotic to do such a thing as creating two different parts of you, but do not take it as so. The difference is the control, for now I have control of this, it is when it becomes necessary that you lose control, and where it is no longer healthy, but for the moment I find this is a good experiment on my personality and methods of rationalizing my world and decisions I make.
Definitely fun.
In other not so unrelated news. A person makes me reactively happy, still not sure if I feel it though.
| | |
|
True
